i’m just wondering if anyone else in the world feels the way that i do…
there are often times when i feel i don’t have much of a place in the world. more than that, i feel that i don’t have my own place. loneliness crowds around me at the times when there are more people around me than i care to count. yet, i never seem to have a place in the world that belongs to me. no specific sanctuary or place of refuge that makes me feel safe whenever i run there.
i always felt that way as a child. by the time i was old enough to understand how valuable personal space was, i already had two younger siblings. although i was the oldest, i was one of two girls, so i often had to share my space with my younger sister. my two younger siblings were close in age and i felt the most out of place when we were all together. a lot of times, they seemed to pair up against me. for the three children of the house, there were only two rooms to live in. i always had to share my space with my sister because our youngest sibling was not a girl…he needed his own room to “be a boy”. even so, the two of them would constantly pick at me. i’d attempt to gather my thoughts in my room (but my sister could walk in whenever she wanted to)…i’d go into the living room or kitchen (but both of my siblings would follow me–kind of doing that “i’m not touching you” taunting sort of thing)…the worst was when i would resort to hiding in the bathroom just to get some peace (but they both caught on to that one, too). eventually, i started hiding in the backseat of our car in the garage. that’s when i think i started feeling calm in cars.
when i was 20 years old, i finally had my first car. i never experienced any comparable sense of calmness prior to owning that car. i finally had my own world. i could interact with people when i desired to (by way of traveling to them), but i could be alone whenever i needed to by simply leaving the public space. i could ride in my car with no music…just hear my thoughts. or i could opt to let my mind fly with the melodies of stevie wonder, jill scott, or someone else who mattered at the moment.
now that i’m a married mommy, i think that is the claustrophobic feeling i often have…i never have any space of my own. i hate to feel like my husband doesn’t want me around, but there are times when i just want to be with my thoughts. babies don’t allow for much of that. husbands don’t either. 
it’s beautiful to have a family, don’t get me wrong…but there are times when people like me (introverted types) enjoy the simplicity of a solo drive to wal-mart because the five minutes of silence can ease the oncoming tension headache that appears like clockwork every day at the same time. right now, we only have one television…it is located in our room…and i like to be in the bed by 9pm if possible…but it’s IMPOSSIBLE. my hubby likes to stay up til midnight (or later during those holiday off-from-work times). so guess who can’t get to sleep because the tv is on.
i could go on and on about things like this…but i won’t. the point of my random ranting is simply that space is important. space can make or break mental stability (at least for me). so i just wondered if anyone could relate… *shrug*
good night… 
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